2007-06-15 - 12:10 a.m.
HAVE A NICE TRIP
Hello!
No, I'm not finishing that Grease story just yet, thanks for asking. But hang on, hold up, don't go anywhere. Instead of that, I thought I'd tell you about the lil' vacation I just came back from. Doesn't that sound like a nice topic? I thought so, too.
Now I know I've already mentioned some of these family related items that I'm about to cover in previous postings, but I can't really remember what all I may have said in the past. And I certainly don't expect you to remember it, so I figure I should explain the whole backstory of this trip to you before I get too far into it. Now you might be thinking "Jake, I thought you said you were going to see your new nephew", and that's true. But there's more! Much more.
Charity's sister and her husband live in the great state of Massachusetts. Or, as I now like to call it, "The Chu". That's up in the whole northeast area over there, as you may or may not know. You probably do. And as I'm sure I have mentioned in the past, Charity and I both have a lot of family in the east coast tri-state area up in that neck of the woods. So if we're going that way to see someone, it would probably be rude if we didn't see others while we were there.
My grandparents, my mom's parents, have a house on Long Beach Island in New Jersey. Have you ever been out there to the LBI? It's pretty cool, I guess. The house is really nice. My grandparents only stay there about one month during the year and during the summer they rent out the place to people who want to stay on the island. Some people stay for a week, some for two weeks, some for a month, so a lot of people can stay there over the course of one summer.
The house is right on the beach and the rent is like a couple thousand dollars just for a week. It's crazy. Compared to some of the other houses there, my grandparents' house is probably a 6 on a 10 scale. I wonder what it costs to rent the 10's. Probably upwards of 10,000 a week, at least. Madness!
So about a year ago, Charity and I started talking about taking a vacation somewhere. As you may recall from back in 2004, during the Purple Diary boom period, we got married and had about a two month honeymoon where we went all over Europe and whatnot. That lengthy excursion managed to tide us over for all of a year and a half before we decided last spring that it was time to plan another vacation. And by "we", of course, I mean her.
But because we're far away from a lot of family, planning trips is tough. We always hear things like "so when are you coming back to see us?" when we talk to people. We don't take a trip every year... at least not yet, I’m sure it’ll happen soon knowing the ol’ ball and chain. But as of now we don’t, so if we went somewhere and didn't see any family, it could end up being a few years before we see our relatives again.
They could always come here, of course, but let's be honest... nobody's really lining up to come to Kansas. Especially not my family. Charity's is a lot better, they would (and do) go anywhere. But even when people do come to see us, it's not like everyone comes. Maybe an aunt and uncle will fly out, whereas if we go there we can see ten aunts and uncles. So while it'd be great for us to go somewhere like Hawaii for a week or two, there are family issues to be considered.
Especially with my family. My mom's side is the absolute worst. They could do a whole TV show on them, like the West Wing or something, with all the politics and backroom dealings that go on. My Nana is the ringleader. If Charity and I did plan a trip to somewhere like Hawaii and didn't see any of my family in the process, oh, it would be such a controversy.
I know this for a fact because, a few years ago while we were still in college, we did exactly that. We went to the Bahamas for spring break and a stink was raised. We weren't married and on our own at the time, we were just two young college kids getting our spring break on. But there was a stink raised nevertheless. Nobody actually said anything to us about it, of course. From what I gather, word got back to someone in my family and phone lines started burning up all across New Jersey. Then my Nana talked to my mom and copped and "Hmm. Well. Isn't that nice?" type attitude about our trip.
I love my grandparents, or Nan and Pop as I refer to them, but they can be a lot to put up with. Well, really, it's just my Nana. Pop hardly says anything these days as he's probably worn out from 50+ years of dealing with his wife. For lack of any better description, my Nana is kinda like a b-level Jersey socialite. I think her family was always well off financially, but she came into a bunch of money several decades ago when some of her relatives died. And after that it was all about parties and nice houses and that kind of thing. She's very self-important, everything has to revolve around her. You know the type.
One of Nana's more notable traits is that, in her opinion, none of the people her children married were good enough. That's more true in reference to her daughters, my mom and my aunts. My Nana doesn't think any of her son-in-laws (sons-in-law?) are good enough. Apparently, my dad is the most glaring example... which is probably true, but I digress. Her male sons, my uncles, have it slightly easier. Or I guess I should say their wives have it slightly easier.
Nan isn't quite as critical of the women her sons married as she is the men her daughters married. Which isn't to say she's not critical, it's just not as bad. Although one of my uncles is going through a separation at the moment, and, of course, it's all his wife's fault.
The whole "not good enough" thing plays into why there was attitude raised over our spring break trip, because apparently it was expressed that I would be better served by spending my time flying out and visiting my family instead of using my break from school to shack up in a hotel room on the beach with "some girl". MeOW.
Nevermind that the girl had been my best friend my entire life and had met my Nana on a few different occasions. Nevermind that the very moment my relationship with this girl turned romantic I knew I'd spend the rest of my life with her. She was just some girl. A hussy, really. A regular jezebel. And by wasting my time by spending it with this tramp, I was neglecting my family. Shame on me!
I don't mean to make my Nana sound horrible, she's not actually THAT bad. She can be funny, both intentionally and then unintentionally if you can sit back and observe her. ‘Cause, see, the thing is, I don’t have to live near her. So when I’m around her and can witness her more annoying antics firsthand, I’m always kind of amused by it more than anything. My attitude is that I know I'm going to leave soon, so who really cares?
But those who have lived around her, like my mom and her siblings, all had enough of her years ago. And you can see ways in which all their children have rebelled against them in some way. Like my grandfather was in politics way back when, like mayor and city council type stuff, and he was a Republican. And my mom is a hardcore Democrat. Coincidence? I think not.
Anyway, as I was trying to say, Nan is a pretty decent grandmother, all things considered. She’s not the kind of grandma that bakes cookies or anything, but I've always gotten nice big checks on special occasions. And, really, what more do you want from a grandma?
SO. Knowing that we had to include a visit to our relatives in our vacation planning, Charity and I got the idea of going out to the east coast and staying at the house on Long Beach Island. We wanted to stay there just because it’s a great house and we’d love to stay at the beach, but it’s also practical because there’s not really any room for us with any of our relatives.
My grandparents used to have this awesome house that I loved which we could have stayed in, but they sold it a few years back and moved into a retirement community. And nobody else has enough extra room for two people to come live with them. Yet, at the same time, they would all be offended if we stayed at a hotel or something. I mean, if it was just me, I could sleep on somebody's couch, but I try to keep my sweetums living in the style to which she has become accustomed. Which, at the absolute minimum, means not sleeping on the floor of a duplex in Parsippany while a strange dog licks her.
So we were going out there and we'd need a place to stay. And, hey, there's that nice house right on the beach that we could stay in for free. Pretty good plan, right?
My grandparents used to stay at the beach house in October, which is after the summer season ends and everything has calmed down on the island. But I guess they had a string of crappy weather a few straight times in October, so for the last several years they've been staying at the beach house in May before the summer season gets underway. So we thought we'd go down there in October when nobody would be renting the house anymore. This would have been last October, if you're actually still able to follow all this nonsense. The plan was that we'd stay at the house for a week or two, and with that as our base we could then drive around and see pretty much everyone we wanted to see.
But, alas, it was not to be. Just as we were finalizing the details of our trip last summer, we got word of Charity's sister's pregnancy. And we decided that if we were going to take a trip out there, we’d forgo the beach house idea and wait until our nephew was born. Again, by "we" I mean her.
It stunk that we couldn't go live in the beach house, but as luck would have it, Charity's sister... Tawnee is her name... got knocked up in August, putting her due date in May. And May is when my grandparents stay at the house, so at least we'd be able to go down there for a few days while Nan and Pop were staying there. If the baby had been born in June, renters would be staying there and Nan and Pop would be back at the old folks home. Sorry, retirement community. In that case, we'd be stuck in the "hotel or sleeping on a relatives' floor" pickle that I mentioned earlier.
So it was all set. We'd wait to hear that the baby was born... thus costing us probably twice as much money than if we'd been able to buy the plane tickets in advance... fly down to THE CHU, see our new nephew for a few days, drive all around and visit other relatives, and then come home. What a relaxing, stress-free vacation! As if.
I mention the cost of the tickets because it leads into another good story about my Nana. Last year when we were planning the trip, she offered to help pay. She called me on my birthday -- I just had one, by the way! I'm sure your present is in the mail! -- and talked about how she and Pop wanted to see me again "before we kick the bucket". That's actually what she said. So when she found out that we were talking about a trip, she offered to foot either all of or most of the bill, I forget which. It was a rather shocking offer because, in addition to her many other traits, she's also quite cheap. So we took her offer to cough up some money as a sign that she really, truly wanted to see us, and wasn’t just saying it to be polite. And it was very nice of her.
But then we postponed things because of the baby. And when we rescheduled, Nan was suddenly not so keen on paying. As she allegedly remarked: "Well, they aren't coming to see US anymore". Meaning that because the baby was now the main reason for the trip, she didn't feel obligated help with the cost any longer. I guess maybe we should have gotten the baby to help us pay. Crack open your wallet, nephew!
In my last post I believe I detailed that we found out about the baby's birth and then got ourselves a flight. Shortly after I wrote that post, we flew out and... oh, I gotta tell you this. Hang on. This is one of those stories that you probably had to be there for, but I'm gonna tell it anyway.
I got Charity this iPod. She's never been into downloading music and MP3s and that kind of thing at all, but several months ago she got this free little cheapo MP3 player and tried it out. And suddenly she's like "OHMYGOD, I can take my favorite music anywhere I go!" And she became obsessed. I'd go upstairs and see her on our bed, sitting there cross-legged in front of her laptop, wearing her adorable reading glasses, looking all focused and studious as she downloaded songs. It's just the cutest little thing you ever did see.
So I got her an iPod, which she loves. And I told you all that so that I can tell you this. You know those Geico commercials with the cavemen? She has this weird love/hate relationship with those commercials. It's a long story. Really, I don't think it's love or hate as much as it's aversion and befuddlement, but love/hate is easier to say. And you know the one where the caveman is walking in the airport, listening to his MP3 player? Before we left, I downloaded the song that he's listening to in the commercial and, unbeknown to her, I put it on her iPod.
So there we are in the Minneapolis airport... yes, to get from Kansas to Massachusetts we had to stop in Minneapolis... and we have an hour or so to kill. We're walking around and the Minneapolis airport is freakin’ huge. And she looked at me and kinda sighed at one point, ‘cause she’s lugging around these 75 pound carry-on bags that she practically crammed all the clothes in her closet into. So I'm like "Say, why don't you listen to your iPod?". You know, all casually like I’m just trying to be helpful and help her relax.
So she did and hooked it on her waist and started listening to it. And as we got onto one of those automatic walkways, I pulled her to me and fiddled with it for a moment before backing away so I could watch the fun unfold.
There was my lovely wife, standing there listening to her iPod while the walkway moved us along, looking oh-so pretty and with-it and up-to-date with all the latest MP3 technology. And the caveman song started. It takes about a minute to get to the part from the commercial, and she's kinda like "...?", 'cause she doesn't recognize the song. Then it gets to the part and she seems puzzled. She knows she knows it from somewhere, but she can't place it.
And she looks at me as if to say “what is this?”, but I say nothing. Instead, I simply reenact the caveman from the commercial, where he sees the add on the wall and folds his arms in disgust and all that. I did a really good offended caveman impression, if I do say so myself.
And it takes a minute, but then everything connects for her, and, really loudly, she goes "OH MY GOD". And a few hundred people turn and look at her while I snicker and chortle and gafaw. Needless to say, I now find that commercial absolutely hilarious because every time I see it I can see the look on her face and hear the "OH MY GOD" in my head.
Such a silly, inconsequential little story, and yet I imagine it speaks volumes about what it's like to be married to me. Hmm.
Anyway, hey, jeez, look how long this is. And I still haven't even gotten to our actual trip yet! The words have just flown forth from my pen. You know what? I think I'm gonna stop here. YES. YES I AM. Don't give me that look. I'll finish it in the next few days, I swear. And I'll finish the Grease story sometime, too. I promise.
ggbye
Your friend,
Jake
