2004-06-25 - 2:05 a.m.
FAMILY
Say, I have some spare GMail invites. Over 5, in fact. I wonder if more than 5 people are still even reading this. At least one still is, cause I caught flak for not updating. I'm trying, really I am.
So get THIS, gang. I got word this week that members of my family are trying to plan some sort of family reunion to coincide with my wedding, because they're thinking that relatives will be flocking in for this gala affair. This is bizarre for many, many reasons.
First of all, and right off the bat we'll get to the most bizarre part, the specific family members who are organizing this aren't even invited to the wedding! We have an enormous guest list as it is, and only so many people can be crammed into the church. I invited like 3 people, btw, the other 800 are all her's.
So obviously not everyone in my family tree was invited to this thing. And these people are like my Dad's cousins from Texas, who I've probably seen about two times in my whole life. Do they not realize that they aren't invited? Are they trying to wrangle an invite through this reunion idea? What the hell?
AND, let us assume for a moment that I did invite all these family members. Wouldn't they see each other AT the wedding? Why the need for a separate reunion? You're killin' me, Smalls.
And here's the kicker. The family on my side that is attending the wedding is mostly my immediate family + close secondary relatives, made up mostly of my MOM'S side. So these people from my Dad's side are trying to have a family reunion to reunite people who they aren't even related to!
No other obscure relatives of my Dad's are coming to my wedding. Aside from my uncles on my Dad's side, I don't think there's anyone else from his family coming. He doesn't have a large family, unlike my Mom and certainly unlike Charity. So these cousins from Texas are basically planning a reunion to see my Dad, his brothers, and apparently me, but gee people, I think I might be busy GETTING MARRIED.
So not only is all that weird enough, but these cousins are on my grandmother's side of my Dad's family, meaning that we're so barely-related that we don't even have the same last name. If you don't at least have the same name as me, I got no time for you.
Speaking of last names, what's up with the bride always taking the groom's last name? I'm not all that wild about it. First of all, being that my sister is not married and has thus retained the same last name as myself, she and Charity will both have the same first AND last names after the wedding. Just the fact that they've had the same first name has been a source of various confusion over the years, so I can only imagine how this will worsen it.
Also, she gets to have a new name, while I'm stuck with the same old thing. My name has served me well, don't get me wrong. Thankfully, Major League did not afflict a terrible Michael Bolton-ish Office Space curse onto me, since the movie and the character are both good. But I would not mind a change.
If I took her name, man, that's cool. All of a sudden I'm not boring old Jake, I'm slick new Jake. I'd sound like a hard-nosed private detective who doesn't take crap. Instead, I'm the same old boring guy and she gets to have a whole new identity.
And in her case it's really new, on account of the fact that she doesn't have a middle name. Well, actually she does, but her parents changed their mind about it and it's nowhere to be found except on her birth certificate. (It's Noreen, don't tell her I told you.)
So, she's going to take her last name that she's losing, make that her middle name since it could conceivably be a first or middle name, and take my last name as her last name. This will give her an entire first + middle + last name for the first time ever, but I worry that it sounds a little too McMahon-Helmsley. To the uneducated, they may think she's hyphenating her last name, which is not her intent.
To solve this potential problem, she tells me that she simply won't use her new middle name. Nobody will know except her and except me. And you. She just wants to do it so that she can finally bask in the warmth and comfort that those of us with middle names take for granted. She wants to feel complete. I guess I'm not enough for her.
Man, my right wrist and forearm are really sore. When you're right-handed and a guy, it's difficult to discuss wrist and forearm pain without hearing a certain amount of suggestive teasing about how you might have injured yourself. But I'm chancing it in this case so I can share my pain. Sadly, typing about it has not helped it feel any better. But my sunburn is better now, thanks for asking.
I gotta go!
