2004-01-30 - 5:56 p.m.
BONUS POINTS FOR ME
I'd like as many points as possible, please. I'll say "500" just to throw a number out there.
Right now I'd like to talk about a subject that's become near and dear to my heart in the last day or so. Bedsheets! I've never paid too much attention to bedsheets before. Typically, I always had typical sheets that were a typical color like blue. Nothing very exciting.
When I was about 9 or 10, I was lucky enough to receive some new sheets that were adorned with the superstars of the WWF. I spent many a night sleeping with the likes of Macho King Randy Savage and Jake the Snake Roberts and the Big Boss Man, and the sheets were the envy of all who saw them.
The WWF sheets are still in my possession today, although they are only big enough for a twin sized bed. But I still get good use out of them by wearing the sheet as a cape when I make my entrance into the arena (a.k.a. my room) and defeat my opponents (a.k.a. my pillows and stuffed animals) with my elbow off the top rope (a.k.a. my dresser).
I would go on from there to get some sheets with lovely plaid and striped designs, but eventually I turned all bedsheet decisions over to the future Mrs. Jake. Her name is Charity and I like her very much. Mainly because her eye for sheets is a keen one, indeed.
About a month after we began to "co-habitate", as the kids say, she purchased a brand spanking new set of sheets for our bed. To truly understand the significance of these sheets, you must know that they are lime green in color. A very very extremely light shade of lime green, but lime green nevertheless.
As my fiancee is majoring in interior design, upon seeing the sheets I began to immediately question the level of education she's been receiving at this university. I could be color-blind and I'd still be able to tell you that lime green does not go with anything. And even if it did, it certainly doesn't match anything in our bedroom, where the sheets will be on constant display.
But as it turns out, these are not ordinary sheets. They are smooth and soft and wonderful, much like silk although I don't think they are actually made of silk. Probably some silk-like substitute made by starving children somewhere.
Charity had heard such great things about these sheets that, even though the only color they had in stock was the lime green, she went ahead and bought them anyway. And, boy, was I glad she did. I had never slept on sheets that were quite so excellent. It was like being wrapped in the butt of a silkworm as it... well, nevermind, that's just gross.
Getting back to the tale, about a year ago a terrible occurrence took place. While changing the sheets, Charity noticed that there was a 4-5 inch tear on the sheet at the foot of the bed. As you can imagine, we were quite distressed. I immediately began to curse those starving children and their poor craftsmanship, but Charity defended them almost as if they and not me had put an expensive ring on her finger.
After a careful analysis she concluded that, of all things, a sharp corner on my TOENAIL was to blame for the rip. I was shocked and dismayed at this accusation. My toenail had done nothing to her.
Unfortunately, her claim would gain some steam a night or two later, when she woke up with a small cut on the top of her foot. Obviously, she concluded, my sheet-tearing toenail had struck again, this time cutting her as our feet lay intertwined while we slept. Naturally, I dismissed the charge as the horsepucky that it was.
My theory, if you'd care to know, is that a madman broke into our house, drugged our dog to keep him from barking, and snuck into our room, where he proceeded to make a tiny incision on her foot before fleeing into the night. If you're out there, madman, know this: I will not rest until you are brought to justice for your crimes against my fiancé's feet.
Since the lime green sheet was ripped, we had to fix it before we could sleep in them again. Sadly, a few days later we ran into some unfortunate family circumstances and had to leave school. The sheets remained at our house, torn and unslept upon, until we returned a few weeks ago.
At long last, the sheets were patched or sewn or whatever the correct process would be, and last night they made a triumphant return to my bed. After nearly a year of sleeping on my old boring blue sheets, you can imagine how it felt to feel the silky lime green sheets against my skin. And if you can't imagine, I'll tell you. It felt nice.
It was exceptionally hard to drag myself out of bed this morning, and as I sit here at my place of employment being paid to write about bedsheets, all I can think about is going home and getting into my bed and drifting off to sweet sweet sleep. To Sleep, Perchance to Dream.
Sleeping was all I could think about in class today too, but I thought it might be rude if I mentioned that. Time for me to go home!
GOOD BYE
